Tis the last weekend of NFL football before the national media hijacks my favorite sport and turns into a giant turd spectacle. I’m gonna get myself some wings, a giant pepperoni pizza, and make sure the pepperonis have grease boats because this is the last Sunday for pure NFL fans to enjoy. Come Super Bowl week it becomes more about the spectacle and less about the championship. Here are some unfortunate things to prepare for:
Get ready for nipple gate. Will Janet Jackson show up at halftime? Will she flash a tit and will it be the left or right? And be prepared for stories asking what sort of privilege did Justin Timberlake have to get the slot of halftime performer.
Be prepared for all the lame gossip and tweets from all the Super Bowl parties filled with celebs who haven’t watched one iota of football. But we'll get to know what Instagram model fucked a Jonas Brother at some swank club in Minneapolis, as they fly out right around kick off. We’ll also get predictions from every third lead in an NBC TV show. Someone from ‘This is Us’ will give a take like this:
“Well, my third cousin lived in Norway for a semester so I like the Vikings.”
Get ready for every non-football fan to post on social media that they're watching the Puppy Bowl. A joke that wasn’t funny in 2010. And I love puppies. But if you do that joke, seriously, “fuck you!”
And worst of all, get ready for the social justice warriors to piggyback their cause and make us all feel like imperialistic, capitalistic Trump loving pigs for watching the big game. I’m sure the think pieces will be rearing their ugly heads attacking everything from CTE to the torture of natural grass.
But I digress…lets talk a little about this Sunday’s games and the final four teams. This is a round that is usually filled with big name quarterbacks. We were expecting a Ryan, Brees, or Roethliserger. Instead we got Bortles, Keenum and Foles. It’s proof that if anyone has a chance to beat Brady and the Pats, its going to have to be a team effort.
I expect all of America to be pulling for the Jags. I don’t blame them. They are the ultimate underdog and Bortles has been a punchline for the last few years. There is something about Bortles that intrigues me. He seems like he would hang out at 7-11, buying underage kids alcohol, in exchange for a frozen burrito. He looks like he knows more about keg stands than defenses. And now he’s facing the ultimate mercenary... Tom Brady. How could you not root for the giant underdog?
The Pats are spirit crushers and while it may be close for a while, I do believe they pull away.
Final Pats- 27 Jags -13
Everyone is calling the final play last Sunday, the Minnesota Miracle. I’m calling it “Miracle on Diggs St.”
There is something to be said about teams that are inches from death. They always seem to come out more fearless. They know they shouldn’t be there, so they play with a more united, reckless, abandon. Remember the '99 Titans? After the ‘Music City Miracle,’ they won their next two games as an underdog and lost the Super Bowl by a foot.
The Vikings will rally and win this Sunday. I just can’t see the Eagles winning another playoff game with Foles. In my opinion, the worst quarterback of the four.
Vikings 23 Eagles 10.
It should be the GOAT vs SKOL. But with todays social media who knows what the top story will be.