Yesterday will go down as one of the most embarrassing days in United States soccer history. The men’s national team lost 2-1 to Trinidad and Tobago and were officially eliminated from the 2018 World Cup in Russia. That’s right, our team lost to a country that sounds like a 90s R&B duo. For the first time since 1986 the United States will not participate in the World Cup. That means for the first time in 32 years Americans can’t fake care about soccer for 2 weeks. We can’t skip work to day drink at an Irish pub on a Tuesday afternoon. And most importantly we can’t send tweets that say things like:
If our best athletes actually played soccer we’d kill everybody. #Merica
The state of soccer in America is bleak, sad, and depressing. While the world gets to showcase their best athletes in a sport we don’t even care about we’re supposed to just sit there and watch? No way, not on my watch! That’s why I propose a new soccer tournament called: The Universal Cup. Fuck Russia and the rest of the world. Who needs the World Cup, when we can create our own soccer tournament in the good ole U…S….of A. That’s right, I’m proposing we host an alternative to the World Cup, but our tournament isn’t just limited to the world… because it’s Universal.
Here’s how it would work: We pick the top 16 teams that didn’t quality for the World Cup and seed them in the Universal Cup. This means household names like China, Peru, Canada, Norway and Israel all get in. Even better, all the games will be played on our home turf. That means Universal Cup games at Soldier Field in Chicago, the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, and AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. America is literally the only country in the world that already has a built in infrastructure for high level sports. We already have the stadiums and facilities to hold these world class events. Have fun in Russia - a place known for snow, rigging elections, and where athletes can’t even legally bang on Grindr. That won’t be a problem in America. Not only do we encourage dude on dude action but we even celebrate it with parades.
So the rest of the world can have their “World Cup” LOL. We’ll just sit back and enjoy an even better product…the Universal Cup. Let me ask you this: Would you rather watch a soccer match in the frozen tundra of Moscow or enjoy the 75 degree weather and palm trees of futbol at the Rose Bowl? And we already have the perfect person to run the Universal Cup: President Donald Trump. His vast experience as the former owner of the Miss Universe pageant couldn't be more ideal. Let’s be honest: How much harder could the Universal Cup be? Soccer and beauty pageants are basically the same thing. 3 hours of girls trotting around with very little action.
It’s time for Americans to dry those tears and start preparing for an event much better than the World Cup. So don’t put away those Uncle Sam hats and USA t-shirts, because we’re making our own party. A party that’s so great we’ll forget how shitty the product is on the field. Russia can have the World Cup. We’ll stay at home with our American sponsors, money, and fans to enjoy the first ever “Universal Cup.”